[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Danger is very dangerous
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie