[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.