[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”