*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today