[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
🐕🍷
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.