[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!