” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
motivation
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus