[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.