[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
two people or more is called a problem
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.