Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops