@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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@thetits: [Later, Snake sees a Lizard] Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously?? *God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
@_Tempo11: Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: "I'm so sorry"
@causticbob: I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.