Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off