God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.