being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.