being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers