Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Body by cheese-puffs.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.