Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.