Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”