Jail
You Might Also Like
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.