Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me recordaron éste meme
Important reminders
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?