My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat