For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
North and South
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
classic mixup
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on