[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*