[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
not to brag, but mine was free
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
wish me luck lads
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t