{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
You Might Also Like
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Perfect
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
he chose this
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.