Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope