[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
awkward
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?