[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.