[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
You Might Also Like
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Rooting for the overdog
I had to Stop for this