Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro