Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
me working on my assignments ^-^
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!