Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants