Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
You Might Also Like
Attacked by a mop.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?