Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.