@sheseemslegit: Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
@remmarg_yelsel: With Instagram's new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
@drayzze: I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket. I'm looking for food, not a reunion.