@sheseemslegit: Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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@david8hughes: [skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind
@drhappyknuckles: First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
@SamGrittner: *job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."