@fillthevacuum: Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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@ddsmidt: When someone reads your message, then never responds, it's just hurtful. I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
@EverydayGirlDad: 4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@bobvulfov: [car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that
@SuperRandomish: Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.