Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”