It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*