*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Remember folks 😂
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
mood
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.