BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”