Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
asking santa clause for nudes
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My dog after a walk in the woods.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.