Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.