@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
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@samlymatters: Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
@LanieLalaBugs: If you can't tell the difference between "erotic" & "exotic" then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
@WheelTod: Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.