@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
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@LackOfShame: I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
@LuckoftheDraw86: "Guess what!" "What?" "I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!" "Oh I love that dance move!" "It's a dance move?"