Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.