“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
No, YOUR illiterate.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar