“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*