BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
decorating my apartment
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
These are my roll models.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002