BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!