BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.