It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
okay run it by me one more time
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure