Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
You Might Also Like
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.