I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss